If you’ve ever had to come out about something; your gender identity, sexuality, beliefs, you would know that it can be a tough process. Even with the people you love, there’s always that little feeling that something may go wrong. As a gay man, it’s a feeling I originally faced when I was about 15 – 16 – this odd feeling that the people around me may reject me at some point.
Yet, what lots of people never realise, is that coming out isn’t a one-off process. You don’t just come-out when you’re young and then suddenly everyone knows about it, and everyone’s happy. It’s something you have to do for the rest of your life.
Yesterday, I read a nice piece by Dan Pallotta in the Harvard Business Review called Never Lie About Who You Are. Dan explains the coming out process as such:
People have the misconception that a gay person comes out once. It’s not true. If you’re gay and you’re authentic, you’re coming out constantly.
It’s a very true statement. As a gay man I have to come out constantly – in new workplaces, in new sports teams, in new cities, even to the people who provide me with my services. To be honest it can exhausting, and sometimes you don’t feel like you could be bothered.
Dan’s piece is almost like a call to arms to never lie about who you are – to always come out, even when it seems exhausting. To change the world in which we live, we need to be strong, come out whenever the opportunity arises, challenge hetero or gender normative assumptions wherever they lie.
I would like to add one more challenge to Dan’s though. The challenge shouldn’t just be for those who ‘don’t fit the norm’; the gays, lesbians, bis, trans* people etc. The challenge is also there for straight people as well.
You see, the thing about coming out is that I don’t have to just do it to homophobes, but to non-homophobes as well. There are so many who I know now have no homophobic bone in their body that at point of time assumed that I was straight. It’s almost like it’s within our bones – in fact I do it sometimes. And hell, it’s exhausting. It means I not only have to challenge the homophobia of some, but I also have to fear the potential homophobia of my allies as well. More than that, it means that people who are queerphobic are getting a barrier from those who aren’t – there assumptions go unchallenged because everyone else doing it too.
So here’s a challenge to all you straight identifying people out there – start challenging your own assumptions. Don’t assume that everyone is straight – don’t automatically ask men about their girlfriends and women about their boyfriends. Don’t assume that everyone identifies as the gender which you have assigned to them in your own mind.
It’s a challenge I probably need to take up more as well. If we all do it together though, we could probably cause a little less stress and hurt, and help change our society a bit as well.