There is something I often find when coming to conferences like this (for a reminder, I am at Global Power Shift in Istanbul). No matter what I do, no matter how strong my mindset is, no matter what I want to focus on, I always get anxious about what I am missing out on. What if I picked the wrong session? What if I am missing out on something amazing?
Today, the first full day of GPS, that anxiety hit me with a full force. As part of the week we had to pick one track out of five options. I chose non-violent direct action (NVDA) ahead of the other opportunities; media and communications, digital campaigning, policy and creative activism. My process of deduction was pretty clear – I had no interest in creative activism or policy, and of the remaining three I felt like I knew less about NVDA than the other two options. It was an opportunity to learn.
But, my brain doesn’t work in that way. And today, particularly in our first track session, my brain refused to work that way. I spent the entire time somewhat freaking out about whether I had picked the wrong track. I work in media and comms I thought – I should be doing that. I should keep focusing on what I know, not try and expand my knowledge. I’m spreading myself too thin.
I don’t write this to give you great insight into my sometimes odd brain, although it does feel good to put it on paper (so to speak). Rather, in thinking and dealing with my anxiety, I started to reflect on how this idea plays out in general society. You see, it is not just at conferences where I feel this anxiety. It happens to me all the time.
For example, last night after our welcoming plenary, I went back and sat in my dorm room and watched Game of Thrones on my computer. I was tired and I needed a break. I am probably going to do the same thing tonight (I have the entire second season on my computer). Yet, as I sat there, on the other side of the world, watching a TV show I could be watching at home, I couldn’t help but question what I was doing. There is nothing, I know, wrong with having a bit of a break. But, at the same time, my mind bothered me. Whilst I am here, I suspected that there were people in Taksim Square protesting (hearing reports, I think I may have actually been wrong). In my first evening at GPS, I heard many stories of people who have been caught up in the protests one way or another. People who have real stories to tell. And all I could think was that all I am doing is sitting here, doing nothing (please note, I wasn’t planning on going and getting involved in the protests – but I am interested to meet people and find out what is going on whilst I am here).
I am not sure if I am the only person in the world who does this to themselves, but I cannot help but often think that I am not experiencing as much as I can in this world. It often happens to me around protest movements – I regret not being parts of movements that are changing the world (even though I have had no chance to be part of them). Beyond this, particularly when I travel, I look at my life compared to so many around the world with a gaze of ‘meh’. We live in a world that is so interesting, so unique, and so exciting, yet our lives seem to be full of TV shows and shopping.
Now, I am not saying this to whinge, or to complain about my relatively privileged life. Whilst one may romanticise global movements and the lives of others, I also don’t ever want to ask to be given the hardships so many others face.
But there is something interesting about this.
Obviously, I think we live in a world that demands more all the time. We constantly have to be better people, live more exciting lives, do more exciting things. We have to do the ‘top 100 things to do before you die’, go on an international trip every year, and improve ourselves in every way we can all the time. We never seem able to be content. We are constantly searching for the greener grass on the other side.
And I cannot help but wonder why this is. Is there something missing from our society? Is part of our drive for better, bigger and more exciting, not just about searching for better experiences, but also about searching for something more than what we have? Searching for something more than just the economic forces – the ones that tell us that we just need to be richer to be happy – that drive our world?
I’m probably too tired now to really think about this in full (I think I may go and watch some Game of Thrones), but just like my constant anxiety at conferences, I have a strange feeling at times that the grass must, maybe not be greener, but at least more exciting on the other side. Maybe that shows we need some more excitement in the world?
Ps. Apart from my fleeting bouts of anxiety, the first day here has been really interesting. I think we have some more free time tomorrow, so I intend to jump into some of the content. Two upcoming topics will be, ‘what is violence’, and a discussion on ‘respecting culture in an open conference’.