Over the weekend I went to Sydney with my partners James and Martyn for The Sydney Festival of Really Good Sex. I went to this festival for the first time last year, writing a review for the Guardian. This year I went as a presenter — hosting the workshop (with James and Martyn) ‘how the manage a non-traditional relationship’.
This was the first time I’ve ever done this workshop and I wanted to do some short reflections. The workshop ran in the following way:
- We gave some brief introductions, outlining the aims and telling our story of living in a non-traditional relationship.
- We discussed as a big group what a non-traditional relationship is, working to expand it beyond narrow definitions which are often largely focused on polyamory or open relationships.
- We split people into small ‘home groups’. Within these groups people introduced themselves and answered questions about what excited them about non-traditional relationships, and what made them nervous.
- We then split people up again into bigger ‘discussion groups’. People could decide whichever group they wanted to go to, answering one question per group about non-traditional relationships. Topics included jealousy and anxiety, managing logistics and time, writing relationship agreements, coming out to family and friends and having and looking after children.
- Finally, we brought people back into their ‘home groups’ in order to share their learnings. Ideally each home group would have had one person in each discussion group, meaning people would be able to hear and reflect on the main points from each group.
Doing this for the first time ever I was quite nervous but we had some pretty amazing feedback. We ran the session two times (one on Saturday and one on Sunday) and had a number of people return for a second time. In particular I think the following things worked pretty well.
First, we worked actively to make an open space that allowed for a broad definition of a ‘non-traditional relationship’, in turn giving everyone space to feel comfortable within the group. I think this is important given the depth of relationship models in our society, ones you often can’t put labels on. These relationships need to be recognised as well and we didn’t want to limit experiences to just polyamory or open relationships.
Secondly, the ‘home group’ model gave people a safer space to discuss their questions/concerns, rather than putting them in front of a large group (our first session had 45 people in it!). Over the session people could get to know those in their home group, giving them a safer space to discuss the questions presented.
Finally, we made the section for our ‘discussion groups’ quite long (1/2 hour), which I think was great. What this meant was that instead of everyone getting a small bit of information (if we had tried to get them to answer all the questions) people got an in depth view of one issue. They could then take this in depth view to their friends and colleagues, sharing with their home group and with others after the workshop.
Overall this session was designed to be one that focused on the idea of group knowledge. We didn’t want to present ourselves as the ‘experts’ — ones who would stand up and deliver all the answers. We simply don’t have those answers! So instead we were able to use the knowledge and power of the room to get the solutions and answers out. This was really great for us too — we sat in on the discussion sections, I think each of us learning a great deal as we did.
It was a great session and I really really enjoyed running it.
I am now also making it available to anyone who wants a session themselves. If you’re interested in the session please email me at simon_copland@hotmail.com I am in the process of working out fees and charges and will soon have details available on the site. But in the meantime get in touch and we can talk.