I first heard the news in the car on the way to the gym. At the time it was not official, just rumours. By the time we got inside it was real. David Bowie is dead.
My partner and I spent a few minutes getting ready but then I just stopped. In the middle of the gym I burst into tears.
He is my hero. And now he is gone.
***
I first discovered David Bowie when I was an eager teenager exploring the world of music. Talking to my mum one day she pulled out the one album of his she owned — his best of from 1969 – 1974. I’d never heard of him but was willing to give it a try.
The next day, studying at school, I put my headphones on, put the CD into my discman, and gave it a whirl.
I was immediately transfixed. The music was unique. The lyrics inspiring. His voice mesmerising. I loved every song.
It’s no coincidence Bowie hit me at a time I was struggling. As a confused gay teenager I went through bouts of depression in high school and suddenly here was someone who could speak to me. I didn’t really know about his gender-bending queerness at the time (I was just learning), but I knew somehow that he got it. He gave me a world where I could escape. A place to get away from it all, and where everything was okay. He taught me, just like he taught every one else, that it was okay to be different. That you didn’t have to change you were.
But somehow he also taught me the opposite. He’s famous for his gender fluidity but I think his influence was much more than that. He was identity fluid as well — identities changing every year, or maybe even every month. And that was okay too. It was exciting actually. He said that creativity meant pushing the barriers. Sometimes it may not work, but that doesn’t matter. It’s great actually. Because you went there. You gave it a shot.
More than anything else this came out in his music. I love Bowie for who he was but I loved him for his music even more. The first ever album I properly owned was Young Americans — a huge departure from his previous glam rock era. When my parents gave it to me I was kind of disappointed. It had none of the hits that I knew at the time. But as I listened I quickly realised what kind of legend I had stumbled upon. A man who could switch everything in a heart beat and still be the best in his game. Who else (apart from the Beatles) could come close to achieving that? How could I not fall in love?
***
It’s over ten years later now and I don’t know to explain what Bowie means to me. It feels impossible to put it down in words.
Bowie to me was not just a musician. He was not just a great rock star. He was not just a creative genius. He was…everything.
Bowie is the person I listen to when I’m going through a rough time. He’s the person I listen to when I’m having a great time. He’s the artist I always think they should play more at parties. He’s the man I know I will always turn on at the big events of my life — birthdays, births, weddings, even my own funeral (yes, I have thought of that).
But even more than that, Bowie for me is an inspiration to do better. Earlier this year I went to a tribute show while in Berlin. When it was done, and I was beaming from ear to ear, my partner Martyn asked me why I enjoyed his music so much. I replied that he inspires me to be a better writer. To be a more beautiful writer. If I could come close to him, just for a day, I would be proud of myself.
Yesterday, my partner James posted on his wall “Lives are not measured in years, but in the impact they make on the lives of others.” The post came with a picture of me, dressed as David Bowie from Labyrinth, at my first ever David Bowie party.
That is the impact David Bowie has had on my life. He is my inspiration. A person who got me through tough times, and one who pushes me harder every day.
My aim from today is to be a little bit more like David Bowie every day. A little bit more creative. A little bit more bold. A little bit more out there.
I feel so lucky today that I managed to spend 27 years of my life being on the same planet as David Bowie. I’m terrified now that I have to spend the rest without him. But he will always be there. He will always be my inspiration. My hero.